“And you can see my heart beating; you can see it through my chest. Said I’m terrified but I’m not leaving; I know that I must pass this test. So, just pull the trigger.” -Rihanna, Russian Roulette.
At first, I thought Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is only for those who returned from the military. I was wrong. It turns out that one does not need to be a courageous soldier to fight for our country. It can happen to anyone from fatal car accidents to watching an innocent person die.
During my visit to my therapist and my psychiatrist, I received the news that apart from being diagnosed with major depression, I am diagnosed with PTSD as well. I was stunned and perplexed when I heard this. I was also oblivious. Was that the reason why I avert myself from everyone and everything in this society?
Despite my unawareness of my PTSD, I am aware of everything that triggers me. Every time I hear laughter from teens and young adults, I ended up crying for no reason; this is the reason why I despise–I meant to say abhor–laughter. Their laughter reminded me of those bullies who pushed me down the stairs, physically attacked me and ruined me while none of m teachers were there to save my life. Everyone’s laughter also reminded me of my “friends” having fun without me while I just nothing but the wind in their shadows, feeling ignored, neglected and betrayed. No one fucking notices me! Laughter is nothing but a Russian Roulette game; it makes me want to put a revolver through my head and then pull the trigger, risking myself for the bullet to enter through me.
I’m also aware that people screaming and yelling at me would trigger me. Not only I’m a super sensitive person, one scream of authority and discipline will definitely make me want to play Russian Roulette. I just don’t know why I cry every time people, both by those I know and by strangers I don’t know, scream and yell at me. They scream at me over a simple mistake that was inadvertent and over anything that wasn’t even my fault. Most of the time, they scream at me just for no reason at all, even when I’m not even doing anything or doing anything wrong. Whenever this happens, I get the feeling that they’re going to hit me or that I might immediately end my life. I guess I can say that the tone of their screams and yells are reminded me of the child abuse and the physical and emotional abuse I received from my elementary teachers. Because I am deeply terrified by being screamed at, yelled at and even cursed at, I try my best to be a good girl and stay away from any trouble. That’s why I’ve been acting like a good girl throughout my life! I’m just too fucking afraid of what might happen to me if I perform any impetuous or non-impetuous mistakes.
So there you have it. I know it’s not a lot albeit these are all the possibilities of why I’m suffering through PTSD. It’s really the abuse I went through from my past. What’s more to the story is that I used to be a mute (is it selective or elective?). Due to all the trauma of being victimized by child abuse, abusive teachers and bullies, it made me want to take the vow of silence; as in I wanted to stop speaking for the rest of my life as a symbol of what I perceived as an eternal nightmare. However, this never happened at all. I needed to speak up some time in the future. That is, if I ever have any audacity.
I know this song is really about herself being in a violent relationship with Chris Brown, but Rihanna’s song “Russian Roulette” is something I think of whenever I perceived anything that can trigger my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The heavy breathing within her song indicates the distress Rihanna went through as she becomes severely abused by her then-partner. I can entirely see where she was coming from. Rihanna and I have something compatible when we tried to play Russian Roulette. We would risk ourselves into something lethal though at the same time, there is no escape from what has already happened in the past. All the trauma we both have are amber fossils; what happens will forever stay. Anything that reminds us about our own trauma will make us pull the trigger. Â Apart from this, we must try our best to become warriors and learn to fight with what’s invading through our broken walls.
PTSD may be a Russian Roulette game and I may be hoping for the bullet to enter through my head. If I’m lucky, the missed revolver may give me more chances to live longer and stay stronger. Someday if I’m audacious, I’ll send the bullet to the past instead of myself.
-Nicole Cheng
April 27, Â 2016
Special thanks to my therapist, Dacia and to Rihanna.