Do you want to know what is the worst part of having Borderline Personality Disorder? Everything!
For those of you who don’t know what it feels like to be BPD, it’s like this:
- I get uncontrollable mood swings from hostility and irritability to sadness and depression.(ie. “Fuck you!” “I’m sorry!” “I hate you!” “I love you!”
- I can become impulsive and sometimes reckless.
- I self-harm whenever my mood triggers (ie. cutting, hitting my head, punching myself until I bruise.)
- The most common: severe loneliness and anti-social behavior.
There was more to this. Before I was diagnosed from BPD by my therapist, I suffered through a lot of mental instabilities in my life. First, I starved myself to death because I was so insecure of my body’s shape and I always assumed that I was never attractive enough. I remembering fasting for hours all throughout school days; binging and then let it all out of me after I eat; counting calories; and saying “I’m not hungry” every time people ask me. Second, I self-injure every time I feel depressed. I had to cover myself with long sleeves and wristbands in order to cover my cuts and scars. Thirdly, it turns out that my depression is more of an emotion, it’s really mental. Every time I get depressed, I escape from everyone I know and I get the tendency to commit suicide.
Now, here I am. After battling an eating disorder though failed to battle self-injury and depression, I noticed that there is more to it than feeling nothing but sadness. I also can be extremely hostile and emotionally violent. When I realized my unknown hostility, I asked to myself “WTF is wrong with me?!” People would then ask me if I have Bipolar Disorder, which I answered “no.” I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar, by the way; I don’t suffer any mania. As I go through these symptoms with my therapist, it turns out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn’t entirely sure where this came from but the doable guess is from all the child abuse I suffer through when growing up and all the bullying from classmates and abuse from teachers I’ve had in schools.
With BPD, I would inadvertently act like a complete bitch to anyone who comes into my way, even my own friends. It’s because of my emotional hostility. Throughout these passed years and most recently, I have lost nearly all of my friends. Many of them refused to even talk to me and many of them would perform defamation on me. I find it really hurtful. I tried to talk to them but they wouldn’t even listen to me. It’s so unfair. By the time I found out what they think of me and how much false facts they said about me, not only do I feel entirely hurt, I feel suicidal and depressed.
Fearing that this would happen again any time in the future, I avoid almost everyone I know and those who wanted to know me. I worried that my hostility would bring more tension and they would hate me even more. I even left the social media, such as FaceBook, just in case (I never have Instagram or whatever you freaks go on to these days). Even everyone hates me on FaceBook despite I never done anything stupid, wrong and illegal. Anyway, for many months now, I have no friends at all. Loneliness is killing me though I managed to escape myself from it all by reading books, writing stories and poems and playing with my cat, Mew-Mew, who happens to be the only friend I have in my life ever since she was a little kitten. Even with escapism, I still get the tendency of suicide and self-mutilation.
To make matters worst, I have many stalkers in the social media. They kept getting into my personal business and they remained persistent with getting all the information about me without my acknowledgement. With that, they would create more defamation and slander about me just to make me more hurt or try to at least force me to death. All the defamation and slander they did about me in regards with my BPD hostility caused me to leave. I feel completely biased by everyone just because I have a mental illness. I even tried to apologize to them and then explain without using BPD as an excuse, but they wouldn’t give me a fucking chance. They wouldn’t even listen to me. They just kept being negative towards me in the social media. They would continue to write lies about me. I had to give it all up. I didn’t have a choice. Ever since then, my hostility caused me to feel more depressed than ever. I continued to harm myself up to the point where I end up having suicidal thoughts.
So there it is. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder is nothing but a total bitch. It caused me my friendship with everyone I used to know, which led to severe loneliness and then to depression. I became an anti-social not by choice due to a fear of worsening everything. It even caused me to avert from dating despite I’m trying my best to find someone to be in a relationship with. It caused me a lot of broken glass and bleeding hearts every time I see couples in movies, books and in real life. I can’t even get a job with this in my mind. BPD led me to nothingness.
If it weren’t for my combination of hostility, depression, impetuousness and irritability, I would have gotten a better life.
-Written by Nicole Cheng, July 2016