After several months of taking Lexapro, I have brought myself into alcohol in spite what my psychiatrist told me. I have no idea why, but this may be the result.
I recently ended a relationship with someone new due to the feelings not being mutual. Nothing too distressing about the breakup, which is good, but all of the sudden, I started taking bottles of wine from my parents’ wine cooler while they’re spending their month in Los Angeles, California for work.
It started off with a half a bottle, then it turned to a whole bottle. That’s when I realized that it went from bottle after bottle for days which turned into a week.
However, I then realized that this wasn’t the source. Prior to the breakup, I ended up doing the same, bottle after bottle of wine. I still don’t know what for:
Was it because I had a PTSD encounter in one of my classes when my classmates laughed at me, which reminded me of my bullying childhood peers?
Was it because I was irritable from BPD and I became a bitch to most of the girls in another one of my classes just for saying “like” all the time like idiots?
Maybe I’m still depressed about not having any friends or a love-mate that I wanted to commit suicide? Because no one wants to love me at all? And I want to drown into wine until I die from alcohol abuse?
I still don’t know the cause of why I ended up drinking bottles of wine. I don’t even know I was still feeling depressed and heartbroken in spite of the Lexapro I’ve been prescribed to.
Just recently: on Tues. December 20, 2016, I dreamt that I was vomiting on the floor and when I woke up, the dream was real. I ended up having severe nausea and headaches on the exact day and time of my last final of the semester. When I walked out of the classroom, I vomited in the classroom’s bin with the whole class, and even my professor, witnessing me. With concern, she asked me if it’s a stomach virus or food poisoning, and I told her know. Out of impulse, I told her I was suffering from alcohol abuse.
I don’t know why I said that. I still don’t know why I turned into alcohol. I don’t remember posting photos on Instagram and I don’t remember the Tweets I posted on Twitter.
I may not know why albeit my strong guess is that…
I’m suffering from an addiction. Without my own knowing I got addicted to alcohol; I’d drink a glass of wine every night before bed. One glass would turn to two glasses. Two glasses would turn into one whole bottle of wine. Then, I’d blackout in bed, vomit anywhere in my sleep, blackout again, and never remember any shit. The next morning, I’d wake up with a hangover and then lie that I came up with a sickness.
I know it seems fucked up if you’re reading this. And I’m truly sorry if I shocked or disappointed you all for my wrongdoing.
However, starting from this day, I will put myself into abstinence from alcohol. I will try my best to not drink a drop of wine prior to sleep or subsequent to Lexapro.
I’m truly sorry, loves.
In addition, starting today: I say it’s best if I take a hiatus for now until I’ve overcome this alcohol abuse.
-Nicole Cheng, 2016
PS: Fuck those typos. I can’t even fix them at this time.