In the summer of 2011, a closest–and perhaps the only–friend committed suicide.
She really meant a lot to me and she was my role model. She was one there for me when I needed to escape from my abusive ex-best friend and from everyone else who has been abusing me. What’s really special of her is that she was biologically a guy. As in she was a male to female transgender.
As a role model, she taught me to be strong and audacious about my sexual orientation that I used to be so insecure about. I’ve been supporting her ever since we’ve met on day one; I didn’t give a fuck if she’s really a guy trapped in a girl’s body and I didn’t even give a flying shit if she’s straight or gay. I loved her for being her and it really broke my heart that she decided to kill herself.
Before she died, she was incarcerated in a difficult life as much as I have:
She was bullied for being gay and for her gender identity.
She even mentioned to me that she really wanted to get a sex-change operation and unfortunately, she was too young for it. Most importantly, she and her family couldn’t afford the surgery that could’ve change her life for the better. The only option she had to do was cross-dress. I truly believed she was beautiful with her hair, clothes, purses, heels and even makeup.
Every final week of August on the day she passed, I’ve been grieving so severely. To make matters worst, I always feel a whole lot of contrite and guilt for not showing up for her funeral. That’s right; she died when I was away from town and I couldn’t make it back to say goodbye to her. As much as I really wanted to be there for her, I was too late.
I know it’s been years and I should be moving on. Sadly, I cannot stop thinking about this tragedy. I really miss her and I just wish I can see her for one last time. Maybe even go back in time.
This is something I’m forced to hide from my family and everybody else whom I know and trust. I had to because I’m really afraid that if I mention this, the more suicidal and depressed I become. Thinking about her death makes me want to do the same as she did, so I can be with her.
To make it even heartbreaking…
She would’ve been my perfect love.
In Loving Memory of CJ (1991-2011)
(C) Nicole Cheng, 2017