First off, I want to apologize for my suicidal tweets and blogs on Twitter and Tumblr. I’d show you what I wrote; unfortunately, I deleted them for the sake of my safety.
I should have informed you that November 25 was normally not a good day for me even though it’s my birthday. This is the year where I usually get distressed over my past and not getting along with my family on my mom’s side, in which I’m planning to disown them. Most of you have already known my abused background when it came to my maternal side of the family. I always feel neglected and abandoned and tortured whenever I come near them on family gatherings. I couldn’t handle being around them anymore, I feel the need to estrange my own family. The good news is that I’m still closer to my dad’s side.
It’s not just the past I was thinking during my 24th birthday.
I’ve been experiencing auditory hallucinations.
Before I begin, I need to inform you that I do not need anymore bullshit going on around when I explain this. I don’t want any assholes I don’t even know calling me an attention-seeking whore just because of my mental illnesses.
As already mentioned over a year ago, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and it was a lot of hell throughout my years of oblivion. Not to mention, my former and previous psychiatrist misdiagnosed me with bipolar disorder, in which I do not have all this time. By the time I first found out about my BPD, I got prescribed with Lexapro, an antidepressant that helps stabilize my mood. It worked. Months later, I got prescribed with Abilify, which I’ll explain in a minute.
Sadly, about a few months ago, I stopped taking both Lexapro and Abilify. It wasn’t because I wanted to, it was because something wrong was happening. My pharmacy didn’t called me about my refills for my medications for these passed months. So, I had no choice but to live without my medications until my next visit to my psychiatrist.
Because of my lack of medications, things have changed. My moods have been unstable, I cannot control myself, I was screaming and crying like a fucking banshee inside my head, I was so fucking miserable, I couldn’t finish reading that Stephen King book “Insomnia” despite it’s one of my priorities, everything was going to hell without my medications.
So recently throughout these passed few days or weeks, I wrote a lot of tweets and blogs on my Twitter and Tumblr that I wanted to commit suicide. I even went too far into making threats that I would kill myself behind the computer screen. Why? Because the voices in my head wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone and I couldn’t take life anymore.
This is when my auditory hallucinations came back when I stopped taking my medications.
Whenever I have these auditory hallucinations, or “hearing voices” in which I’m reluctant to say, I was being told by the distorted voices which don’t even exist. They tell me shit, like “Oh, you’re classmates hate you, they want you to fucking die”; “Someone you hate and vice versa is going to murder you, you whore.” I couldn’t even tell if it’s true or not, however, I do have a lot of personal issues when it comes to coming near my classmates in college. I always get the feeling that the people I hate are stalking me and following every step I take. It gets even worse when the voices in my head tell me that those people in school I hate wanted to murder me. They’re planning to make me the next victim. I don’t know why, but they told me it has something to do with my good-girl behavior, good grades, being better at them, and being a depressing loner. They just wanted me to commit suicide and if I don’t, they would come to me and then murder me, just like how John Lennon and Selena Quintanilla-Perez were assassinated by Mark David Chapman and Yolanda Saldivar.
I didn’t know which side to choose, so I chose to commit suicide.
Another reason why the voices in my head are telling me to commit suicide is because of the slander I fell victim to. I won’t mention names nor will I mention what website, though numerous people I don’t even know went too far into illegally invading my privacy and then defame me on the public media in the internet. People on the websites say I’m the whore who seeks attention and a fucking liar who makes up stories. That’s not true at all! I didn’t even fucking do anything at all! Hell, they even said I write my own comments to “troll” myself. That’s not even true either! I would NEVER go that far into getting attention like that! Honestly, I have no idea why the fuck they would write this shit about me. I had a hard time telling the truth to the viewers, and whenever I did tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth… they wouldn’t believe me.
That’s when I realized there was nothing I could do.
So… the voices in my head told me to go commit suicide. The main voice, I called “Princess Bitch” because of her bitchy-sound attitude, was the one who forced me to write all of these suicide threats on Twitter and Tumblr. “She” was the one who was controlling me.
Hours after I hit “send” on my Twitter and Tumblr… I realized my mistakes.
Just today, Tuesday November 28, 2017 at 10: 40 am, I got called to come to the dean’s office and then the counselor’s office to talk about their concern for me. Someone, my savior at this time, reported me because she was too worried for me. Honestly… this was what I needed anyway.
The rest is all about having my plan to avert myself from suicide, talking about the auditory hallucinations taking control of me, and dealing with the severe distress that caused these voices in my head, including Princess Bitch. As aforementioned, my suicide tweets and posts have been deleted for a safety measure.
Now, I’m planning to go back to my psychiatrist and my therapist to have this under control.
Don’t worry about me. I’m okay. Nothing bad will ever happen to me. Ever. I’ll try my best to stay strong as promised.
(C) Nicole Cheng, 2017
Special thanks to Julia, Jean, Dr. D. Luce, and my old classmate/savior whose name will be withheld.