Gender has been something deeply personal to me. I remember playing with Barbie dolls ever since I was a baby, and I was obsessed with pink before purple became my favorite color. Why? Because that’s what all girls do, and I wanted to be part of them. At least… that’s what I thought. My mom told me that I should be wearing dresses and tie my hair into ponytails with ribbons. I was also told that I should learn to cook and sew in case I ever start my own family by the time I turn twenty-five. I was even prepared to learn how to take care of babies and kids by babysitting and watching reality shows about teen moms.
But… none of that happened. I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to wear dresses and skirts. I don’t want long hair. I actually suck at sewing, but I’m really good at cooking. Most importantly, I don’t want to have my own family; I don’t want to be a mom, and I don’t want to have kids. Everything I just explained are not me and it will never be me. I don’t want to be like the other girls I’ve seen on TV, movies, music industry, and magazines. All I want is to be my own comfortable self.
I always considered myself as a tomboy throughout my life. I was eight years old when I outgrew Barbie dolls and started being into what my two older brothers are into. The next thing I knew, I ended up playing Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog video games and then I ended up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies with my brothers. I then ended up wearing more pants rather than dresses and skirts, along with wearing caps and overalls. Strangely, I like it. I recalled enjoying this time when I learned to skateboard, and rollerblades were my favorite childhood things growing up during my weekend pastime. Those were good times with my daddy and my two brothers.
I hardly had any female friends during childhood; I always preferred being with one of the boys growing up. I never realized how great it was bonding with most of the boys. I wanted to be with those who were into Sonic as much as me. Throughout middle school, I wore mostly baggy T-shirts and skater jeans. It was the most comfortable attire I’ve ever worn, and I wanted to keep wearing whatever I feel more contented in. All the other girls judged me for being a tomboy rather than a girly girl, and I was even called a “bitch” and a “slut” just because of my boisterous attitude and hanging with a lot of boys. Honestly, fuck them; I wouldn’t let labels defy me, even today. I’m just elated enough that I was never one of the girls. Bonding with the guys is so much better, and it’s even more invigorating.
Unfortunately, high school came along. Four years of high school was full of peer pressure and fitting in. I’ve seen girls wearing makeup at age thirteen and all the way throughout high school by the time they entered through the doors. I’ve seen girls dating boys and seeing everything about them made me feel pressured to become one of them. With all the peer pressure and judgment, I forced myself to be one of the girls. So, I forced myself to wear makeup, just like them; I forced myself to wear dresses and skirts, just like them; I even tried to use purses and bags instead of backpacks, just like them. I’m not going to lie: those feelings to be one of the girls were the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. Being one of the girls is… just not me at all. It never was. And I never even wanted to date boys, I wanted to just platonically bond with the boys.
After all of this peer pressure of being someone I am not, I abandoned all the girly things and moved on to wearing gothic clothing, backpacks, and using eyeliner as the only makeup I wore. Being a tomboy is how I am, and I am very comfortable about being a tomboy. This resumed until I went to college. Throughout college, I resumed being my own self without being labelled and judged by others.
By the time I graduated and left college—my new life changed. Everything has changed about me.
As I flashback to my past, I’ve become perplexed about my own gender identity. I have been wondering whether if I was truly feminine or masculine. I have been wondering whether if I was truly a woman or a man. While pondering about my gender identity, I did some research on the transgender community because I assumed that I was transgender. It turns out… that there are actually more than two genders in the LGBTQ community. I did more research on gender identities and I ended up on articles about non-binary people. That’s when I learned about the non-binary community and that there are many other genders for those who are non-binary. There’s genderfluid, there’s agender, there’s bigender, and so much more. Then came the pronouns. I found out that non-binary people go by they/them pronouns to fit their non-gender conforming identities.
After reading the information on non-binary, that’s when I realized that I am one of them. Suddenly, I ended up cutting my long hair really short, similar to the pixie cut. Then, I got rid of all my dresses and skirts by donating them to charity and I even donated most of the high heels I wore in college. Finally, I purchased a lot of flannel shirts from Amazon, as well as more baggy T-shirts and masculine jeans. With my new short hair and gender-neutral clothes, I looked at myself in the mirror… and I am proud of who I have become. After all these years of being perplexed and pondering about my own gender, I have been genderless all this time. I then had the audacity to come out on social media that I am non-binary, mostly agender in this case, and I decided to go by them/them pronouns.
Ever since I came out as agender, I wanted to go by a gender-neutral name. My favorite Greek Goddess is Nyx, who was the Goddess of the Night. I figured that it would be a suitable name for me. However, since Nyx is also a makeup brand—which is something that I don’t want to go back to—I didn’t want to be mistaken for it on social media. I decided to replace the Y with an I, and became Nix. Nix is—just so fitting for me. I’m aware that Nix means “nothing,” though, it is still suitable for me since I grew up being nothing to everyone around me. Nix is meaningful to me and I decided to go by that nickname whenever I socialize with my family and whenever I am on social media. I’m still legally Nicole, but when it comes to being social in real life or on the media, I am Nix. I honestly don’t want to go through the process of legally changing my name, so Nix is just a sobriquet. That is just enough for me.
As of 2018, the year when I came out as non-binary, I am Nix, and I go by them/them pronouns. And I am proud of who I have become. From now on, I’m just going to be myself, and I will keep defying labels.
-Nicole “Nix” Cheng, 2024