I’ve always been gay from the very beginning.
My first crush was with a girl in first grade. However, that has been a long-term secret since I was just naïve that time. I didn’t know the meaning of love at age six and, of course, I mistook crush for love at first sight. Back at first grade, whenever I was near that girl, my heart was beating hummingbird wings and I had that weird feeling on my face, as if I was developing a fever when I wasn’t even feeling unwell. Obviously, I couldn’t go to that girl and tell her that I love her, because that would raise red flags. I know it in my heart that she was never into girls, and, just like me, she was probably naïve about romantic love as well. My common sense told me to keep it surreptitious, so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of the entire class and then get called out for admiring a girl. Worst of all, elementary school were the years of making fun of classmates who are gay. I just couldn’t risk that, so this secret has been within me throughout my childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood.
Even though I got over this first crush with a girl, being victimized for being gay has always been a huge struggle for me.
Throughout middle school, I bonded with more boys than I thought due to being a tomboy. I got called a slut for being around boys, when I was never into them; my feelings for other guys have always been platonic, never romantic. In the eighth grade, there was this girl in my class who caught my heart. I’ve been admiring her ever since the first day of school due to her intelligence and her love of anime and art, which correlated to my own interests.
Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
Another classmate, a delinquent and homophobic bully of mines, outed me to the entire class and half of the school. I was humiliated when people started harassing me for being gay when I was not even ready to come out of the closet yet that time. Girls in that school started averting themselves from me and told me that they cannot be friends with me anymore. Boys even became disgusted whenever they were near me when they heard about me being gay and they refused to be around me. Almost the entire school population were so disgusted about my sexual orientation that they went as far as physically and mentally abusing me out of homophobic spite. No teachers or school staff were there for me to save me from them. So, I became absent from school for about a week.
By the time I hit high school, I figured that everything would change by the time I got over that violent ordeal in middle school. However, looking back to that time when I got outed, I forced myself to hide my sexual orientation because I feared for having to go through the same ordeal as before.
I forced myself to date guys when there was never any love in between me and them, despite that there were most guys in my high school who fell in love with me. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. There was no point in dating anyone I never even reciprocated my feelings with. I don’t even want any of that.
In my sophomore year, I fell in love with a junior girl. Whenever she looks at me in classrooms and in the hallways, she couldn’t help but to smile at me. Then, one day, she came to me, and she kissed me on the lips. I returned the kiss. That kind of romance, I always felt passionate about. I thought that this was a sign for me. But it wasn’t the way I wanted. I found out that she already has a girlfriend and that broke my heart. The kiss she gave me was just one of those impetuous kisses out of pity, which, clearly, is not enough for me.
When I became a junior, I moved on from her. I fell in love with a few more girls in my classes. Unfortunately, they never felt the same way as me. The worst parts came when I got bullied for being gay by homophobic students by the time they saw me kissing a girl before. Due to the ongoing homophobia in that generation, I forced myself to date guys to prevent myself from being harassed and bullied. Again, that was the worst feeling I’ve ever had.
College became the same. Heterosexual couples were ubiquitous throughout the entire school, and I always hated that. It made me afraid that even the college is homophobic. So, again, I forced myself to date guys just to be exactly one of them. You know, just to fit in.
I dated this guy from one of my college courses. It only lasted for six months when he decided to cheat on me with someone else and then leave me for her. I ended up hysterical that I lost my sanity. I tried my best to suppress my emotions, but it was more convoluted than I thought. I was so hysterical that I ended up harming myself. No one else was there for me to save me from this impact.
Suddenly, this came along.
All the other girls in my college kept talking about how they lost their virginities. I got pressured to lose my virginity after hearing about girls having sex with other guys. So, I found someone on the dating app. I was twenty-three when I lost my virginity, though I was extremely reluctant about it. Despite how many times I had sex with this guy I was with for a few years, I never felt any pleasure at all. All I felt was pain. Not a single pleasure from a man.
After a few years of being in a reluctant relationship with this man, I broke up with him when I found out that he has been cheating on me with multiple other girls while we were still together. I finally liberated myself from the pain of being in a sexual relationship with a man. That’s when I realized that I am neither straight nor bisexual. I was truly never attracted to men at all. I am truly attracted to women and that’s when I came out as gay.
Finally, my first girlfriend came into the picture when she asked me out at a lesbian bar I went to. The romance in between us was just picture perfect. When I made love with her for the first time, that’s when the pleasure came. I felt more elated than ever, and I never even have to worry about what other people think of me when I officially became part of the LGBTQ community. I felt as if I finally found where I belong. I want to stay.
Even though my girlfriend and I are just platonic friends now, I can never forget my first relationship with her. The reason why we decided to be simply platonic was because I realized that I never like having sex with anyone. Despite the pleasure I felt from women, I never was into sex. It turned out that I am just romantically attracted to women and that is just enough for me. I don’t need to have sex to be in a committed relationship. All I love to do with women is to kiss and cuddle with them in bed. That is just enough for me.
After I came out as asexual, I decided to put dating on an indefinite hiatus at this time. I realized that I’m just too asexual to date. But I won’t worry about this. I don’t need a partner or a spouse to complete me. I don’t even want to have children at all. I have my own self. I am just too much of an independent loner to date. I don’t need someone to sleep with. And I am perfectly okay with all of this.
All I know is that I am still part of this beautiful community where it is full of beautiful people just like me, and I am happy enough to be one of them.
All I know is that I am gay, but I am too asexual to date. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be part of the LGBTQ community.
-Nicole “Nix” Cheng, 2025