I’ve had a fair amount of dating in the past with both men and women (before I came out as gay/queer/asexual).
All of my previous relationships were short-termed, meaning I’ve never experienced long-termed relationships. I also have a thing with gamophobia, in which long-termed relationships are something that I don’t want to go through personally. I don’t want to go through the process of being married, especially when there are legal government papers and legal name changes involved. I don’t and never want any of that, it’s just too much for me.
Since all of my previous relationships with both men and women never lasted that long, marriage and having children are the last things I’ve ever wanted. They’re just not for me and I am not meant to be someone’s spouse; I’m too independent to be married. I don’t even want kids; due to my mental health diagnosis, I’m not mentally fit to be a parent since I’m afraid of endangering my kids, so I chose to not have any. Also, pregnancy is something that I don’t want to personally go through ever since that “scare” while I was still in college. So, both marriage and children are not something that I want to ever have in the future.
Pertaining to my previous relationships, things got even more hectic in between my ex-partners and I.
I’ve had experiences of being in toxic relationships and dating abuse.
Back then, I forced myself to be straight/bisexual to hide my sexuality because I was afraid of being attacked by homophobic people out there. While I was wearing the straight mask, I forced myself to date the opposite sex when I was never attracted to them.
There were three men in my past whom I dated and then went toxic in between us at different times. I will not mention their names, but I still want to anonymously share my toxic dating experiences with them.
The first guy: I had some chemistry with him when we were in the same class together. At first, we became friends until one day, we decided to date. However, the dating progress didn’t turn out as I anticipated. There was a lot of tension with one another. I caught him talking to another girl. I saw him hugging her; I couldn’t tell it was a romantic or a platonic hug to be honest, but seeing him hug someone else made me pissed off. I guess I was pretty possessive back then over whoever I dating since I tend to get jealous easily. Then, I caught him texting to other girls, even though it was not my business to go through his texts; I believe in invasion of privacies, though this was different since we were dating that time. Finally, things got even more hectic when we started to have a fall-out with each other. There was a lot of screaming and arguing in between us over who he was talking to. Suddenly, we pushed each other out of anger and that was the last time I’ve ever talked to him. I still saw him around school, but we prevented interacting with one another and pretended that we never knew each other. Honestly, I knew all along that this wouldn’t work out between us since we both have different majors and everything, so we were never compatible.
The second guy: We had a mutual class together. We couldn’t keep our eyes averted from one another whenever we have class together, so that was when we decided to date. Our first couple of dates went fine and okay, but what I noticed about him was that he had a fair amount of female friends, in which I couldn’t help but to be jealous about either. We only dated for six months until he decided to become distant from me. When I passed by him, he just averted himself away from me for no reason. I texted him about that, and he told me he was dating someone else. I was left facetious and irate about the fact that he was cheating on me. Our texts became suddenly toxic when he told me that he had the right to cheat. When we interacted in person, we fought physically and emotionally right in front of the other students. No one interfere with us since I believed that they didn’t want to get involved, as per usual when it comes to witnessing abusive relationships and dating abuse. I was left crying hysterically and facetiously that I ended up harming myself. That was when I suffered from multiple manic attacks from my bipolar disorder. That was the last time we ever interacted and, now, I never wanted anything to do with him because what he did to me was unforgettable and unforgivable if he chose to cheat during relationships.
The third guy: This was perhaps the most toxic and abusive relationship I’ve ever experienced. I met him on a dating site and that was when I lost my virginity to him. However, things became as toxic as I thought while I was with him. He forced me to make sex my only priority with him, which was not what I wanted at all. I wanted mostly a romantic relationship rather than a sexual relationship since I always hate having sex with men. Still, he forced me to have sex with him whenever he wanted it. Having sex with a man would have to be the most painful experience I’ve ever had in my life, especially when I never felt any pleasure from him and always pain; it was always painful to me. We remained together for a few years, in which it was the longest relationship I’ve ever had in my life. Throughout our relationship, there was always sex involved, no romantic dating, nothing like that. There were times where while I was at his apartment, he would force me to strip down to my bareness right in front of him. He would then body shame me and say something misogynistic to me, which brought me more pain, both emotionally and physically. Despite all that body shaming, he forced me to have sex with him anyway. It was painful, let me tell you. All that misogyny within him sent me red flags, but, in spite of all that emotional and mental abuse from him, I still stayed with him because I [thought I] loved him. This kind of relationship affected my mental health, and, still, I refused to leave him. It wasn’t until one day, I caught him cheating on me with other girls while we were dating. That was when I decided to leave and escape from him. It was the best choice I’ve ever made, albeit the hardest decision to make when it comes to being in an abusive and toxic relationship.
Looking back to my dating past with men, that’s when I realized that I was never attracted to them due to what they have done. It was because of their misogynistic behaviors towards me. That’s when I realized that I developed some misandry towards men wherever I go. I even had a college classmate who had a crush on me who believed that all women should be barefoot and pregnant, which sent me more red flags towards men.
As I looked back to all my previous toxic relationships with these men, I noticed how abusive they have become. Even though there was not that much physical abuse in between us, there were enough emotional and mental abuse from them that counted as abusive relationships and dating abuse. I found out that abusive relationships and dating abuse does not necessarily have to be physical; any kind of abuse, whether if it’s emotional, mental, and even sexual, can be counted as abusive relationships. I should’ve left them in the first place if any one sign of emotional and mental abuse occurred in my relationship. I should’ve thought better than that; I should’ve focused on my own mental well-being and safety rather than staying in toxic relationships. This is the lesson I learned when it comes to being in abusive relationships:
I should not stay, I should leave.
Surviving dating abuse is one of the strengths I’ve developed. I’ve taught myself to become a fighter, not a victim. It was the times of trauma that made me the fighter I am today.
I’m looking forward to share my experiences with dating abuse to anyone else who has experienced this. I just want to let them know that any kind of abuse, other than physical, in relationships is toxic for all of us.
We should all leave toxic relationships, never stay.
If you or anyone in your life experienced domestic violence or dating abuse, call this hotline: 800-799-SAFE
-Nicole Cheng, 2025