What most people don’t know about me is that I can be a paper tiger.
I’ve always been submissive since birth. I always perceive myself as a pacifist. I always hated retaliating when it comes to being yelled at either over something small or for no reason at all. I never had the audacity to fight back, let alone defend myself.
Throughout these years, I have been beaten, abused, and I even fell victim to threats from time to time.
The issue is that I never had the ferocity to defend myself or talk back. I was never that assertive; I have always been that submissive.
Normally, starting from elementary school, whenever I witnessed something that is against the school policies, such as chewing gum in class, talking during lectures, and even throwing things in classrooms or even showing up to class late, I always reported them to the teachers. The best part of being a snitch, at least, only to me as most people disagree, I always sought pleasure from perceiving people whom I despise get into trouble. I love seeing them receive the punishments and consequences they deserved. Of course, this is coming from someone who is well-disciplined and always on good behavior. Still, no matter what people think, I will always seek pleasure into seeing other people get into trouble.
Although, there is this downside to reporting certain people. After these students got what they deserved for all the wrong-doing they have done in school, they would get back at me. They would say things that “snitches get stitches” (as the old saying goes) or something such as “this became the reason why I don’t have any friends.” The latter, however, I’ve been okay with since I never needed any friends. Albeit these sayings led me to go through a depressive state of loneliness, though I circumvented that by simply being myself and reading books as my only company.
My weakest years where I was the paper tiger the most is in college. Things have been tumultuous in college, whether if it’s students drinking underaged, doing drugs, and cutting classes in the middle of sessions, no matter how many times I reported them, they always get away with it. I was then told to mind my own business, in which I was just reporting what I suspected as the laws say, “If you see something, say something.” That has always been my pet peeve when it comes to reporting these issues to the school whilst simultaneously being a paper tiger. As aforementioned, I never had the audacity to do so as I became apprehensive about the consequences I would receive if I snitched on them regardless how innocent I have been.
No matter how many threats I received from college students for reporting them, they always get away with it and they resume to retaliate me.
That was when I realized how useless I am to most people.
I am that submissive and I have no other ways to be more assertive as the years go by.
Instead, I reluctantly accepted the threats and ferocity from other people and simply cry on my way home. There is absolutely no fucking way for me to retaliate should they ever come to me again in the future.
I will never be assertive any time as I get older; I have no other ways to stand up for myself. I will always be that submissive and fragile to this day.
Hence, people should know that I am a paper tiger. I can’t fight and I am useless when it comes to fighting.
That has always been this way. I don’t think I can ever change that.
From this day forward, I reluctantly wait to see what fate has in store for me.