Here is what it is like living with bipolar disorder:
- Having mania is like blacking out into an alternative universe. I tend to be impetuous without even knowing about it and then having memory loss afterwards with any vague recollections. Examples I went through were eating raw meat, eating cigarette ashes from an ashtray, and attacking people with violent words and threats, followed by not recalling any of them with only vague memories. Having mania is the worst part of being bipolar.
- Spending a lot of money in a short amount of time. Just recently, I went through an impetuous money spending spree for the Christmas holidays for mostly myself and I later regret it, though I was able to give away my Amazon merchandise I ordered to charity or as gifts to family. Still, I nearly maxed out my credit card and I still regret my impetuous shopping spree.
- I talk excessively and rapidly. I have a habit of talking too much, too fast, in which people would either not listen or don’t understand me, especially when one of my habits is using big words in conversations, whereas people do not understand me anymore.
- I hear voices in my head and I hallucinate. Whenever I have auditory hallucinations, I tend to talk to them in the privacy of my home to prevent myself from looking insane and asinine. I sometimes see things that are not there, albeit very mild since they only last a second. Still, another reason why I am afraid of being in public places is that I worried of being caught talking to the voices in my head. I do not want to risk that; I truly do not want to “go back there.”
- I tend to be euphoric, depressed, and hostile every few minutes as my mood shifts in between. This is self-explanatory and my moods vary from time to time whenever I suffer episodes.
- I suffer from insomnia, whereas I tend to get little to no sleep and I would be irritable or energetic depending on how many hours of sleep I had.
- Whenever I get depressed, I would suffer from unwanted thoughts that I’d rather not explain followed by memory loss of the last time I was euphoric or hostile. Whenever people say I did or say something hostile, I tend to instantly forget them as my depression arises.
- I am constantly numb or ambivalent in between my euphoric, depressive, and hostile episodes.
- I never remember anything on my last manic episodes. As mentioned before, I black out from time to time during my mania and then get left with only vague memories.
- I become delusional, such as being the best at something, in which I let my grandiosity get the best of me in spite of all my flaws. I can be a perfectionist at everything albeit I wouldn’t let my obsession with perfectionism interfere with my daily life as flaws are what makes us human as we learn towards the future. I later learn to embrace my flaws and not worry about being perfect.
To sum everything up, living with bipolar disorder affects my life daily. I have no friends and no one else who can understand what I go through every day with this mental health condition.
Since you’re the only one who can understand me living with bipolar disorder, I trust you enough to keep it only in between you and I.
You’re my only hope to keep this private and surreptitious.
I forgot to add that I also suffer from racing thoughts, in which I tend to think erratically. So erratically that my racing thoughts can cause me to do impetuous things as well whenever I become manic. Examples include writing nonstop and excessively. It also worsens my insomnia that I couldn’t sleep.
Now that you know, I heavily rely on you to allow me to express this and to keep it surreptitious from others who never understand the true meaning of bipolar disorder.