Hello. I know who you are. You are the person with everything. Everything from good to bad; from winning to losing; from being a saint to a sin.
I recall everything from you. Here is the story:
You grew up wanting to live your life, but everything went downhill when two of your cousins were abusing you, both physically and emotionally as they went as far as locking you inside the closet, or worse, locking you out of your own house. They did all that while all the adults were out of sight. You have been keeping this to yourself because you were afraid of the consequences you may receive if you snitch on them. In fact, you have the worst one, the one who has been pushing you to the floor and screaming at you, and even attempting to break your bones; there was a time when you were on the trampoline with her, and she went as far as nearly breaking your back in half on purpose while she was jumping on top of you. You never told anyone in your family about the abuse you suffered from her because she kept getting away with it. Growing up, you despise her so much for underage drinking and smoking and doing drugs. You hate her so much that you want her to die.
Shit became worse when you were in school starting from the first year you went there. You were so quiet and mute, because you were too traumatized at home from when you get punished for things that weren’t even your fault, like breaking things and retaliating against your cousins, even though it was their fault, not yours. AS you were in the classroom, kids have bullied you for being mute and not knowing what to do during lectures. They would vandalize your work on purpose, they would push you down the stairs on purpose, they would pull down your seat while you were still sitting on it. To make matters worse, your teachers have become your worse enemies, bigger enemies than your classmates. Your teachers would abuse you, both verbally and even physically as they scream and curse at your face, nearly breaking your arm as they pulled you, and even giving you bumps on your head. You would come home with tears and bruises and cuts, and you would lie to your parents that you fell.
You even had special teachers who were supposed to help you, and instead, they intentionally hurt you until you cry, just because you are only thinking about what to write and answer questions and try your best to read and write. One of them went as far as throwing your notebook off your desk just because of only one single wrong answer. It wasn’t even your fault; you just wanted to learn independently without any help. Not to mention, as years passed by, both classmates and teachers became bullies to you just for being you. They hurt you and you wanted to hurt them back, but you couldn’t because of the consequences.
You even had a lot of anger issues because of what you went through and because of them, you had to seek help. It’s not your fault.
Back home, when you were only ten, you wanted to run away from home because you caught your parents fighting and your mom wanted to leave the family. You claimed that it was your fault when it’s not. You cried and cried and cried until your parents finally apologized and made up.
When you were thirteen, your dad had to leave the country to work, and you were dead-ass depressed because you’re known as a Daddy’s Girl. You were so lost without him, that your anger combined with sadness worsened. He even missed your thirteenth birthday and until he officially returned to the States, all you had left of him were gifts he gave you prior to him leaving the country for a few years. While your dad was away, you and your mom didn’t live well as both of you kept fighting. It wasn’t even your fault that you couldn’t control your anger and pain. But then, you and your mom got along stronger and even your dad came back home.
However, while your mom and dad were away for many weeks, or maybe a couple of months, they had to go somewhere for work and while you were still a baby. You were forced to live independently. You did not have enough money and not enough food at home. You were so hungry and broke that you nearly made yourself homeless because you couldn’t take care of yourself. What’s worse is that you had no one else to take care of you for a couple of months until your parents came back home.
Suddenly, as you grew older, high school came and that was the first year when you changed. You wore Goth and Emo clothes, and heavy black makeup, as well as listening to Rock and Metal bands you love now; you love Evanescence, Within Temptation, and Lacuna Coil, and even Linkin Park, Story of the Year, and Three Days Grace. You would listen to them all day long; as others hear you, they would mock you for what you love the most. They teased you for being dark and freaky. They even teased you for reading Twilight. But then things went wrong when everything has happened the same.
Your classmates have bullied you, this time for being you. Your emotions worsen when you start forcing yourself to stay thin. I remember you fasting and starving yourself; you went as far as purging in the toilets all the time and refusing to eat food during lunchtime. Girls your age would notice you and they have harassed you for what you have done. They mocked you, causing you to cry more tears. You even hated your classmates because you believed they are fucking stupid and reckless, and that you have an IQ of Einstein and Curie. Whenever you hear them talk, you just want to do something morbid to them.
Also, this is the part where you did something horrible to yourself. You would sneak something sharp in school despite the strict security detectors, and underneath your desk, you would cut yourself on your forearms and wrists. Your classmates even noticed your actions; they were either careless… or concerned about you. When you got home, you found out that your teacher called the counselor, and the counselor had called your mom. Your mom is deeply worried about you as she was checking your cuts and scars. She wanted you to promise to never do it again, and you did. However…
The promise has been broken when you kept sneaking the sharp objects in your school up until college, and you would keep cutting your own delicate, fragile skin. You have been reported to go to counseling and then therapy. And that’s not even it.
You had to go because of your frequent thoughts. Ever since the start of high school, you have been having these unwanted thoughts throughout those years. You were so depressed every day and your anger and impetuousness have worsened. That’s when you realized in the clinic that you are diagnosed with depression, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and even bipolar disorder. Previously, you denied being bipolar at first because you didn’t believe in your own mania and you didn’t want to take those strong medications to treat them. You had to take medications to help with your anger, depression, mania, and even the voices in your head.
Still, it wasn’t enough; you went as far as drinking underaged and abusing pills just to put the pain away. That wasn’t even the first time you drank. You first started drinking at sixteen; you would drink before school and all that alcohol made you even angrier.
As years passed by, you continue to drink alcohol, take pills, purge and starve, and cut, all while nobody’s looking and when nobody’s home. By the time you reached that year, when you admitted more of your unwanted thoughts. You were forced to be sent to the ward. You stayed there for a week and you hated it there, because you felt as if you don’t belong. But then, you made it through once they found out that you are sane enough when you retook your medications.
Once you came home, you vowed to never do such a thing anymore. As of now, you overcame everything. You got tattoos to help you stay strong. You remind yourself to prevent any mental damage. You even started to advocate on social media to help those who have gone through what you have gone through.
Now, look at you!
You’re now sober and strong. No more drinking. No more cutting. No more purging and starving yourself. And no more of those unwanted thoughts and threats.
As the cherry and sprinkles on top of this ice cream, you even went as far as coming out of the closet as queer and non-binary after all these years of hiding since childhood because you worried of being harassed for your sexuality and identity. That never happened, and you stood up for being who you truly are and they have accepted you for being you.
You are no longer a caterpillar, you are now a butterfly. And butterflies don’t just fly away, they wilt to the ground before trying again. That is what you are now.
And there’s something you should know.
Not only I admire you for being you…
You are me and I am you.
We are one in the same.