As I’m living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I look out the window and ask myself “How am I feeling today?” I may never know.
-Nicole Cheng
It’s true.
Apart from having severe mood swings, irritability, depression, difficult relationships and many more, the hardest part of living with BPD is not finding out my own emotions. I couldn’t even tell what the fuck I’m feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I pissed off at my classmates for saying “like” all the time and being in relationships while I’m still fucking single? I don’t even know.
When I sit on the train to class, I would stare through the window and watch the scenery pass by as the train moves. Right on the window pane is my reflection. In my head, I ask my reflection “How are you feeling today?”
I then answer, “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
I guess that because I’m in the present moving to the future, I may never know what’s going to happen to me. I may never know if I will be happy, sad or angry in my life.
But my biggest fear of living with BPD, is losing control of myself. This is the main reason why I have lost so many friends. This is the real reason why I am a loner. When I lose control, I go bat-shit crazy and scream at people for no reason. When I lose control, I get distressed. Whenever I’m distressed… I can be impetuously suicidal. 😢💔
To make sure that none of this happens in the future, I tell my reflection on the train window to make sure I don’t lose control. I want to make sure that none of my distressing shit would send me any of this karma.
If I do lose control… I will lose everything I love and care in my life.
-September 15, 2016