If you’re reading this, there’s something I want you to do.
Picture this:
Imagine yourself as a high school or college student. You wear long sleeves all the time, even when the weather is hot. But it is not because you love or wanted to. It’s because you are hiding something underneath those long sleeves.
You’re in the classroom. You’re enjoying the lecture from the teacher or professor. But somewhere deep within, you’re feeling extremely sad about something. As you’re tapping your pen repeatedly against your notebook on the desk with your right hand, you have your lect hand resting on your chin as your left elbow rests against the desk.
Suddenly, the sleeve on your left arm accidentally falls off… And something underneath the sleeve shows. They are red, they have a chilling feeling, and they are damaging to your skin.
The next thing you knew, you hear your classmates and colleagues talking about you behind your back. They talk about those red marks on your skin. Then, they are either making fun of you… Or feeling concerned about you. You then forced yourself to keep the sleeve up.
Now, picture this a few minutes earlier:
Before class starts, there are classmates or colleagues still in the classroom, talking shit and whatever before the teacher or professor comes. You feel extremely sad, depressed, miserable, hopeless, distressed, etc. All of these emotions are severely intensed for you, you needed to do something to make it all go away.
Without allowing your classmates or colleagues to see or know, you take both of your arms underneath your desk. Then, you take out a pair of nail scissors or any other sharp object that is small and concealing. You put that sharp object on your skin, finally… (Fill in the blank).
By the time class ends and before your classmates or colleagues dismiss, they come up to you. They are saying words to you that you just don’t want to hear. As they do, you pull the sleeves down as low as you can, so those marks on your arms and wrists would remain concealed.
Someone asks you if you’re okay. You either didn’t want to answer or you lie your way out by saying “yes,” despite you’re not okay at all. You just want to cry for help albeit there is no success; you are too afraid of being judged or of the consequences if more poeple knew.
With that, you run out of the classroom, crying (inside or outside).
You run down the hallways and you make your way into the bathroom. You go up to the sinks. You stare at yourself in the mirror.
In the mirror…
Picture yourself as me. Me, all covered with tears and pain.
Can you feel the same way? Do you feel the pain I went through as I was fallen victim to self-injury? Do you know what it’s like to be forced into hiding because you’re afraid of being judged?
Now you know what it’s like to play Hide and Seek with those self-inflicted scars.
As time passed by, I’ve been seeking help after when I was called to the counselor’s office about my self-injury and cutting myself in the classroom underneath the desks. With all the help I received, thanks to my college dean, my college guidance counselor, my therapists and my psychiatrist, I was able to stop myself from creating more self-inflicted wounds.
All of my sharp objects are gone. I have been doing the rubber band technique. I did the butterfly project. I received support from my classmates.
As a self-injury survivor, the pain is only evanescent, but the marks are eternal. I still see my faded marks on my arms and wrists, though I am able to fight it all.
Despite that not all marks can fade away,
“No pain is forever.” -Rihanna.
-Nicole Cheng
September 17, 2016
Special thanks to Dean J. Rodriguez and guidance counselor Francesca of St. Francis College; my therapists Dacia and Julia; and psychiatrist Dr. D. Luce.
You all saved my life đź’ť God Bless You đź’ť