What do you get when you combined major depression with PTSD? A wish.
If I had one, I’d wish I could go back in time and stop all of the unwanted from happening to me. I want to stop every trauma from affecting me before they become eternal within my mind.
If I could go back in the past, I want to save my child self. I want to save her from falling down the stairs when a classmate pushed her down, pick her up from the ground after being bullied by her own friends, and get her out of the locked closet that doubled as a prison. Of course, I want to save her from being permanently scarred by her teachers, classmates, and friends and relatives who hated her.
I don’t just want to… I need to.
Everything that happened to my child self has ridden all of her happiness away. As she grew older, she couldn’t even find any happiness at all. It was all taken away… And she can’t even get them back. It was so unfair to her.
She has been reluctantly around strangers who are happy while she’s not. She has been the ugly duckling, the black sheep and the odd one out of the society. All she could feel is sadness, distress and trauma. All of her scars are forever her thoughts that reminds her of the torture she went through.
Due to the multitudinous unfairness… She wanted to commit suicide to escape.
Now, that child self is not a child anymore. She is me.
Even today, I still have the triggering trauma. I still think about those every night when I go to sleep, and I can’t resist to cry until my tears soaked through the pillow. I couldn’t stop being depressed and traumatized.
I really want to go back in time and save myself.
I just want to be happy like everyone else.
Now… It’s all impossible. I can’t do anything about it.
-Nicole Cheng
September 26, 2016