The experience that I’ve tried to forget would have to be the day I suffered a severe manic episode in college. The memory was vague albeit I was able to recall a few parts of what happened that day.
Before I moved into a new apartment, I was in my final year of living in a dorm. I was briefly dating someone that year. After feeling suspicious of why that particular someone was avoiding me, I decided to text them. After I sent them a text, that was when something drastic happened to me.
My ex that time texted me back—saying that they were dating someone else without even telling me in the first place! The next thing I knew, everything went toxic between us; the toxicity was beyond words that I cannot describe in detail.
After the fight, things went downhill when I started screaming and crying hysterically at the same time. I was throwing things against the dorm walls, disturbing the dorm mates. And things went horribly atrocious when I started hitting my head either against the wall or with my fists really hard as I continued to scream and cry hysterically. Finally—I cut my wrists with nail scissors. I even went as far as defacing Valentine’s Day decorations hung on the corridor walls—and then I screamed and shoved two of my dorm neighbors, who were having a conversation with each other right next to me, out of my way as I ran down the hallway, perpetually crying hysterically.
I never knew how severe my bipolar disorder was at that time before I was put on medication. It was truly the most horrifying, though vague, memory I’ve ever experienced. This is truly the memory I wanted to erase from my past, even though it’s fossilized in my mind. This was also the reason why I turned to drinking; I became an alcoholic throughout college not only because of the stress, but to also attempt to erase those unwanted memories pertaining to my bipolar disorder. And ever since then, I became distasteful and antagonist to every couple and socializing group of friends in college. This was the reason why I was full of animosity to all the students in my school.
All I wanted to do was forget this entire ordeal and move on. I just can’t seem to do so. I couldn’t move on if I cannot forget.
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