I’ve had a myriad of toxic friendships in the past. There were a lot of bad blood in between me and those whom I used to call “friends.”
Whenever I tried to make friends with other people in schools, they would do things to me that I can never forget.
- I get called “annoying” for no reason, despite not doing anything
- I get betrayed all the time
- I get called an attention whore
- I get pushed down until I fall
- I get treated as if I was a shadow
And the list goes on and on.
But the most toxic friendship I’ve ever had are with two of my childhood “friends” since elementary school.
Elaine and Stephanie.
At first, I thought that things were going great between us. We even had friendship bracelets to represent our togetherness since childhood. It wasn’t until middle school, things have changed in between all three of us.
What I have been noticing lately is that both Elaine and Stephanie were not what I have anticipated in close friendships. They both became suddenly beyond words to describe how toxic they were to me throughout our years in middle school.
On our first year in middle school, it was the first time we were allowed to go to school and then walk back home at the end of the day all by ourselves without any parental supervision. It was liberating at first because we didn’t need our parents to take us home anymore; it was our time to learn independence.
But then, something happened suddenly in between the three of us.
Stephanie and Elaine would have their own friends walking to and from school, some other people whom I didn’t even know. They would walk ahead of me while talking to their own friends… without me. I was left behind and treated as if I wasn’t even there even though I was.
I overheard them saying things about me to their friends as we were all walking. Negative things. I heard it all, but they completely neglected and abandoned me throughout the entire stroll. They just told me to just walk, but their negative conversations about me remained persistent. I had to reluctantly listen to them as they ignored me and resumed talking bad about me. I tried to talk to them about it but they never listened as if I was invisible and they just resumed their conversations about me.
That was the first time I’ve ever felt alone and betrayed.
That wasn’t all.
Throughout middle school, both Stephanie and Elaine started yelling at me for no reason, as well as ignoring me as I tried to join in the conversation. Then, the yelling became suddenly emotionally abusive as they started saying unforgettable things to me right in my face. Things that are beyond words to describe how destructive they were.
Stephanie and Elaine would then start infantilizing me, despite that I’m not even autistic or have any developmental disorders. It was the most humiliating and sadistic experience I’ve ever had. They would treat me as if I didn’t know anything or didn’t know what I was doing, even though I’m aware of my own actions and knowledge. Still, they would continuously infantilize me as if I was slow at everything, which was the same way my abusive paraprofessional did to me throughout middle school. I didn’t even know why I needed a paraprofessional; I have enough extensive knowledge to get good grades, and still, people in school say that I’m mentally slow. I’m not even asinine enough to have a paraprofessional. Worst of all, my paraprofessional would constantly physically and emotionally abuse me throughout those years as if I didn’t even know better, exactly the same way Stephanie and Elaine did to me. This traumatized me ever since then, and, by the time I reached high school, I was given a choice to not have a paraprofessional ever again due to my independence. I just don’t want to go through the same abuse as I went through in my previous years.
Once we hit high school, Elaine got accepted to a different high school from Stephanie and I, in which, I was sanguine enough to be away from her and her constant infantilization towards me. Unfortunately, Stephanie and I got accepted to the same school. Throughout our years in high school together became the worst years for me in between me and her.
Stephanie resumed with her infantilization and mental abuse towards me throughout high school. Whenever we take the train to school, she threatened to push me down the train tracks if I didn’t comply with her. She forced me to follow her everywhere she goes without a reason as she continued to threatened me if I didn’t do as she said. She forced me to attend school early despite that we had different class schedules just so she could hang out with her friends and I had nothing to do but listen to her abusive nature as she forced me to stay with her at all times. She would talk trash about me with her friends even though I was forcibly standing or sitting right beside her; when I tried to talk to her about that and how I felt, she just told me to mind my own business in her most harshest words.
Everything was abusive in between Stephanie and I; I was the victim and she was the victimizer.
There was one time when we decided to take the bus to school. It was raining that time. What Stephanie did was take my umbrella and entered a very crowded bus, leaving me out in the cold rain, soaking wet. She even took my bus pass when she walked into that bus, so I had to walk the rest of my way to school… all cold and wet from the rain. When I got to school, she never apologized and she never returned my umbrella or bus pass. She just resumed talking to her friends as if nothing happened to me. I couldn’t be any more irate at her for that.
Throughout our four years in high school, everything remained the same in between Stephanie and I:
- More physical, mental, and emotional abuse from her
- More threats from her
- More of her infantilizing me
- More abandonment from her
- More leaving me behind in the cold rain while taking public transportation
- More negative talking about me to her friends
High school basically became the worst years of my life because of Stephanie.
What I also noticed is that Stephanie has been hanging out with bad influences. She began cutting classes; she suddenly became promiscuous; she even broke laws with the bad crowd. Seeing her doing all that made me come into realization that she is, as well, becoming a bad influence to me. I was going to talk to her about what she has been doing, though I left it all behind since I worried that she would emotionally abuse me over that. So, I reluctantly let it go.
By the time high school ended for the both of us, I graduated from high school while simultaneously being accepted to a prestigious private college. As for Stephanie, I realized that she didn’t show up at the graduation. I knew instantly that she failed her senior year and that she didn’t graduate because of her behavior and low grades. Stephanie was never educated enough for me. I became sanguine enough that I surpassed her; I also noticed that she got accepted to a low-income, two-year community college, which counted as a big fail for her since two-year community colleges are always full of failing dropouts. It was never educated enough for me, I always perceive that as a school for dropouts.
When I entered college… this was when I made the biggest alteration and decision I’ve ever made.
I blocked Stephanie from my phone contacts and her social media, including Facebook.
As for Elaine, I decided to block her on Facebook as well since I’ve been holding as much a grudge against her as Stephanie.
After blocking both Stephanie and Elaine from my phone and social media, I realized that it suddenly became the most rewarding experience I’ve ever done in my life. I realized that I am finally liberated from them. No more any kind of abuse and no more infantilization from them. I’m finally courageous enough that I am now an independent person who could finally take care of themself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me or force me to do things that I don’t want to do.
I even made my own way of becoming the notable writer I am today, thanks to my bachelor’s degree in English. I may not know about Stephanie’s and Elaine’s career paths, but I don’t even want to know or care about. All I care about now is that I survived toxic friendships from those two girls and that they are permanently out of my life.
I have survived friendship abuse. I will keep sharing my experiences with others as well, to let them know that there is such a thing as abusive friendships.
I don’t want any more toxic friendships, so I chose to become the reclusive, loner writer I am today.
-Nicole Cheng, 2025