I am the most unhappy when it comes to being in relationships.
Prior to my current platonic partnership with a woman, whom I’m very happy to be with, I was the most miserable when I was in previous relationships with men.
Back when I faked being straight or at least bisexual, I forced myself to date men in high school and college in order to conform with the other ubiquitous opposite-sex couples around me. In addition, I was afraid of being attacked by homophobic people, so I faked my attraction towards men.
While I was dating a fair amount of men throughout my younger years, I was miserable while I was with them.
I have been cheated on, lied to, and I was even abused by a few men I previously dated. I was mostly in toxic relationships with most of the men I’ve been romantically–or should I say, lack of romance, at least that’s what I thought–involved in the past. It was the worst feeling ever and I am sanguine enough that I have the common sense to leave them, never stay, for the sake of both my mental health and my physical safety. I was fully aware of the toxicity in between them and I. I am glad enough that I left all their toxicity behind and moved on with someone better.
I lost my virginity to the last man I dated and I never felt any pleasure from a man. Whenever I had sexual intercourse with a man, all I felt was pain, never any pleasure. To me, having sex with the opposite sex was the most painful experience I’ve ever encountered and, honestly, I don’t understand why women seek pleasure from this. It’s always pain to me and pain is the worst kind of sin. It got even worse when this last ex-boyfriend of mines forced me to make sex my first priority with him; hence, my misery when being with this man became more severe and even more desolate every time I reluctantly had sex with this man numerous times whenever he wanted it, no matter what cause, and being nonchalant with my own feelings. By the time I left this man, I found out that he has been cheating on me with other numerous women while we were together. I was finally liberated once I left him and my euphoria of freedom became the best feeling of my life.
After coming into conclusion about my lack of attraction towards men, as well as my vague misandry, I realized that men are the kind of people who are not my type at all. If I never sought any pleasure from men, then I was never attracted to men at all.
All this time, my type is being with a woman.
While I was dating my first serious girlfriend–before we mutually decided to be platonic friends–that’s when I feel the pleasure. Being with a woman is the best pleasurable feeling I’ve ever had out of all the men I’ve reluctantly dated. I wanted this kind of euphoria to last for eternity.
Pleasure with another woman is the best virtue I’ve ever had.
Which is why I was always unhappy with being in relationships with men.
Being in a relationship, either platonic or romantic, with a woman is the greatest virtue to me.
Therefore, men bring me pain, whereas women bring me pleasure.
Having elation is the most imperative part of my mental health, so, it’s the virtuous pleasure and emotional sanguinity I need to heavily rely on when being in same-sex relationships.
That is the most exemplary part of being romantically involved with someone in my life.