I’ve been putting off making friends and socializing with other people.
I have been an introvert all my life. I never got along with any of my classmates in my schools growing up.
Everything has been tumultuous when it comes to other people. All the laughter, all the crying, all the screaming, all the cursing, everyone is nothing but tumult, which is what I despise about them. I was never a resilient person; I’ve always been fragile for many years since birth.
I abhor everything about making friends, not even making acquaintanceships. There was never any compatibility between them and I. Opposites never attract.
Everywhere I go, there has been a plethora of reasons why I became misanthropic: I hate how people laugh along with one another whenever they bond; I hate how people scream and curse at strangers for no reason; I hate everything there is about people socializing with each other.
As for me, there is nothing about me socializing. I abhor being around people after everything they have done to me. I fear that they would trigger my post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. If one minuscule trigger affects me, then that is when I would lose my sanity. I couldn’t risk that, therefore, I chose to never socialize with anyone in person ever again. I just can’t go through any of that. I know for sure that they would betray me, such as what all my ex-friends have done to me in the past. I know for sure that they would abuse me.
I cannot even date anyone. After everything my toxic exes have done to me, I cannot go through any more of that kind of relationship toxicity as well. I’m better off being single, and that is just the way I like it now.
After my bad socializing experience in college, I chose not to go to graduate school to earn a Master’s or even a PhD in literature and philosophy. I know for sure that everything in graduate school would be the same as being in an undergraduate school. I know all along that a plethora of sanguine students would socialize with one another and then trigger my mental health with their laughter and romance. I can’t even imagine myself going to graduate school with the other students; everything would be the same as what I went through in the undergraduate college. I can’t risk myself being manic depressive during the next four years of earning my Master’s or PhD. It’s truly not worth it for me. Hence, I’m better off with just a Bachelor’s degree in English and philosophy. Having a Bachelor’s is just enough for me to become the writer I am today.
Aside with it all, I also couldn’t deal with the pressure of being academically perfect in graduate school. There is absolutely no chance of myself surpassing all those other students going for Master’s. I couldn’t deal with four more years of all that pressure; it truly affects my mental well-being. Back in the undergraduate school, I suffered through numerous pressures from surpassing all my classmates; I may have made the dean’s list one semester and I won a medal for Philosophy, but other than that, it was all too much for me. Pressuring myself to be academically perfect became the reason why I turn to being a misanthropist with my peers and abhorring everyone in my classes. All that loneliness and hatred with my peers caused me to self-harm and become severely hostile and manic. I’d rather not go back to any of that should I ever go to graduate school. It’s not worth it for me.
After everything everyone put me through with their socializing, I’ve chosen the path of seclusion.
I chose to turn myself into a reclusive author. I suffer from what I’d like to call “The JD Salinger Syndrome.”
Emulating Salinger after his novel, The Catcher in the Rye, became a cult classic, I chose to stay away from society. I now live alone in the privacy of my domicile. I chose to avert myself from being around other people. The last thing I want is to be triggered by my mental health issues from strangers. It has been this way ever since my published books became bestsellers. I also do not want any attention, no matter how benevolent or malevolent the attention is, from other people. I don’t want any of that. I cannot go through the overwhelmingness of unwanted praise and attention from anyone, which became another reason why I decided to choose the path of seclusion.
Socializing and making friends are not my forte. I became the mermaid out of water.
I chose to stay away from society for the sake of my mental well-being.
From now on, I’m staying with my path of reclusiveness.
I will always be the misanthropic introvert I am.
That’s just how it is with me… and I honestly don’t regret this choice I made.