I’ve been in multiple battlefields growing up. I tend to win the battle but still lose the war. It varies on what kind of battlefield I was in. Still, win or lose, I remained fearless and victorious.
Whenever I listen to Eminem’s “Not Afraid” and “Lose Yourself” on repeat, all I ever think about is conquering my battlefields.
Just like Marshall Mathers, I went through a lot.
I conquered being victimized by peers, teachers, and cousins; eating disorders; domestic violence; dating abuse and toxic relationships; self-injury; friendship abuse; alcohol abuse; and even sexual abuse. I even conquered temporary homelessness for ten days when my condominium building got flooded by a burst city pipe back in 2022.
Regardless of my myriad of struggles while I was in these kinds of battlefields, I remained a fighter. And I am still a fighter to this day.
While I was fighting my struggles, I was so close to ending my life by suicide. But I conquered it all. I remained persistent and I fought my way to fight suicide and everything else that happened to me.
I was so very close to drowning myself into alcohol toxicity as a suicide attempt, in which I became an alcoholic. But I fought it. I conquered my alcohol addiction to become a teetotaler. When I looked back to this part of my past, I still remained courageous and victorious. Whenever I pass by liquor stores or see alcoholic beverages in convenience stores, I say, “Not today. Not ever again.” I quit drinking ever since to this day.
Back in 2022 when my condo building got flooded by a burst city pipe, I had to evacuate my home until it was repaired. I was homeless for ten days. Ten fucking days! I was living on the streets and sought any temporary shelter I could find with my cat while waiting for my condo to get back to normal. I couldn’t afford restaurants, so I had to find certain ways to feed myself and my cat with limited cash and on a strict budget. It was the worst experience I’ve ever had, though I fought it. After ten days, my condominium building got repaired and I was able to go home. Looking back to this personal ephemeral ordeal I experienced, I’m glad that I survived homelessness.
As I flashback to when I was abused back at schools, at my exes’ homes, and even at my own childhood home, I suffered from post-traumatic stress triggers. However, I sought professional help from that from over a decade of therapy. I’m still able to conquer my past by moving on. They may have still interfered with my life, though I persevered by fighting my unwanted memories.
I even fought anorexia and self-injury. I simply remind myself that both my physical and mental well-beings are more vital than looking and doing my best and that every horrific times would fade away into the past until they are forgotten. Whenever I see sharp objects, I tell myself, “Not ever again.” I got rid of all my self-injury weapons as a reminder that I’m better than that. Scars upon my skin are never the answers and their permanence will forever remain unwanted memories, hence the reasoning behind I am never cutting myself and creating more scars ever again.
As I looked back to all my battlefields I conquered, there is no way I am ever going back.
The past is in the past and every past will fade away into nothingness. They will be forgotten.
Eminem happens to be one of my heroes. His songs, “Not Afraid” and “Lose Yourself” became my fighter songs despite that I hate Hip-Hop, albeit Eminem remains my only favorite rapper. If it weren’t for his film, 8 Mile, and my only two favorite songs from him, then I wouldn’t be here today. I would’ve been perished by suicide if I weren’t first introduced to Eminem by my brothers. His mutual personal issues helped me become a fighter, like him. Eminem conquered his own personal struggles as I did the same to mines. We both remained victorious to our battlefields, thanks to venting by rapping and writing our correlating personal struggles.
Hence, I am not afraid to lose myself. I did it for myself.
I will continue fighting my struggles and remain victorious in my battlefields. Whether if I win or lose the wars, I will remain audacious and triumphant.
I am still here and alive after all.